My time to abuse myself

In elementary school I was very bright and intelligent boy , there were classes that I didn't resonate with and they were let's say hard for me , but I bite my tongue and passed all classes and finished the school.

When time came for high school i wanted to be a seaman and to attend that school but every member of my family from the father's side was disagreeing and telling me that it's a difficult job (bread with 7 crusts) , pushing me to choose a different school. 

So I became a fucking waiter , for me it was the most boring school there is.

At the beginning of the school year my parents ... . I need to stop here and to change this little small thing , when i write about parents I use the words mother and father just so it can be easier to read , the truth is I stoped calling them mother and father by the age of 13 or 14 , and started calling them by their name's.

In the summer before my 14th birthday a family friend from Italy psychologist came to our place on vacation , she noticed that I call my parents by their names and she took me out for a drink and asked me are you aware that you call your parents by their names ? At that time I wasn't so I said no it just happened maby a year ago , why ? 

You resent them , you don't see them as parents anymore , they've done something to you she said , what have they done to you , it must be something big that triggers a child and calls them by their names.

I was standing in front of her with a question mark above my head , I really wasn't aware of what , I said nothing they've done nothing to me .

She replied I know your family for a long time and I saw thing's  , things that are not correct, things i tried to explain to them from time to time but they just didn't get it . What I asked ?

They were physically and mentally abusing you .

No they didn't, they were like that only when I deserved it , she screamed at me do not say that you deserve to be loved not punished , but they were the same with my brother , no they weren't he got only 5 percent of what you got . 

Now listen to me there is nothing that a child can do to be abused that way , nothing do you understand ? Your parents are good people but they are very bad parents , accept that and understand your feelings and things that are now starting to come into your life.

For me it was a mind bending talk , I stoped and gave myself some time to see it , and she was right they were monster parents ,all those bruises ,scratches, purple eyes , tears and blood they were not right . I start looking them with diferent eyes and from now on I will call them by their names , father will be Mladen and mother Jadranka , later on I'll even start calling my brother by the name and his daughter.

Now that I took this out of me I can continue .

On the beginning of the school year Jadranka would buy me books for the school , only few days later I sold them and by myself some Tobacco, weed and speed , in all 3 school year's I had same small notebook and  same pencil , schools was to easy I really didn't need anything more than that .

I was high all day long , at school , after school at home ... at the weekends I was fast , speed and extasy and going out on party's.

After almost every party I was with a different girl , promising stars and beyond ,lying that I love them and in no time we were in bed taking out my perversions and pleasing the girls . Pleasing was very important to me, every girl needed to feel like queen in the 7th sky , I needed them to want me , to think about me , I needed them to LOVE me, I was feeding myself with it , later on in my life I realized I was trying to get love that I didn't got as a child from my mother . 

After a wild night I would disappear leaving them with great memories , but also with brokenhearted  .

Broken heart wasn't on purpose, or maby it was but not consciously, didn't want to hurt them but also didn't care that much , I didn't answer the calls or messages I was pretending they don't exist ,till they find me on a party or a festival ,it's a small world even smaller country.

Then when those thing's would happen it was unpleasant experience for me , sometimes I would get slaped , sometimes just yelling , calling me names , sometimes ignore, but the worst thing would be to see their brokenness in their eyes , only then I felt bad , shame , sorrow and emptiness.

But not for long as soon as those feelings started I would destroy them with drugs , a lot of drugs , I could eat abot 30 extasys per night , take 10 grams of speed per night , there were times I didn't sleep for 30 days , having nothing to eat and drinking only water.

What happened then of course my body fell apart , hospitals  , medicines , antibiotics , asthma... , almost died few times but that didn't stop me .

Sometimes I even cured myself with drugs , having a fever 40c° and not staying home but going out on some speed and in the morning there was no fever and I felt great and new . 

At some point there was problem with the school , to many absence over the 500hours per year , but teachers liked me and knew my medical situation so everything was fine in the end.

After 3 years I graduated and schooling in sistem finished , I was free .

There were a lot of stories that happened in time of high school that I could share , and even in elementary school but that's maby for the future , now I just whant to come to a part with plant medicines and how it changed me. 

This is it next time there is a free drug and sex adic on the path .

AHO