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Since someone asked me why I'm angry (and about/at what) ...
As concerns I’m angry, I could write an entire book on that (and maybe one day I will collect my notes, ramblings and rantings of the past two decades into a manuscript, if I ever find a way to make the time instead of working sixteen hours a day just to make ends meet and still finding myself frittering it away and being driven under). In short, I’m a square peg being driven into a round hole into which I’ll never fit and suffering the consequences thereof.
I am angry about a great many things. I am angry that I was violently assaulted as a teenager, by my classmates and their hegemonic toxic masculinity because I don't conform to restrictive heteronormative gender roles. I am angry that the lengthy writings I have published about the Patriarchal culture that leads to such incidents are preaching to the choir instead of the intended target audience, which ignores them because it's perfectly comfortable benefiting from injustice. (Why change an unfair system when it suits you not to?)
I am angry because I worked, for over five years, for a horrible MNC that conflated motivation with violence, at a job that gave me PTSD because the whole bullying cycle was repeated there. Now, every time I try to earn a living doing the only thing I know, I get horrible anxiety and procrastinate terribly. I am angry that I cannot afford medical/psychological assistance for it. I am angry that, even when I can afford councelling and therapy, it doesn't help because I stop going just when I reach the point where it actually benefit me. I am angry that I do not have the courage and determination to persist in pushing through the incredible pain of it, of reliving past traumatic experiences. I am angry that Psychiatry is taken seriously as a valid medical profession. I am angry that the DSM is taken seriously as a valid medical publication instead of the scientifically unsound conjecture it is. I am angry that the "chemical imbalance" hypothesis/speculation is given more credence than it deserves (including the large pharmaceutical business coalesced around it, pushing SSRIs of disputable efficacy on unsuspecting individuals unwisely subscribing to the cult of medicine and giving crackpots undue credence and trust as medical professionals).
I am angry that I did not take my studies seriously and apply myself to both CS and EE degrees (instead of a worthless diploma) in my college/varsity years. I am angry that I want a career change, but cannot secure an opportunity to go pro with my writing because I do not have an arts/humanities degree and my words do not earn me what I feel they should. I am angry that I have no support system and must go it alone. I am angry that Capitalism is supposedly the best financial system (based as it is on greed, exploitation and theft) we have. (The best for whom, the one percent?) I am angry that, despite the hype I initially believed, crypto the solution it's purported to be. It won't abolish the problems with that model/paradigm. It has merely transferred them to a new one and introduced different ones. I am angry that, despite our best intentions and efforts, technological solutions to societal problems won't change fundamental human nature or behaviour.
Most of all, I am angry with myself for still being so bloody naive when I could/should have learned better and adjusted my expectations a long time ago. I am angry that when I still had time and opportunity to cut out of my life all the toxic gass-lighters and traitors I mistook for friends and family and move far away from them, I did not. I am angry that I did introspection and made the effort to learn others' perspectives in the hope of being more compatible and having better interactions/relationships, only to find that the best thing for me (and them) is for me to stay away from other people, to learn to be as independent and self-reliant as possible. I am angry that I haven't got there. I am angry that I cannot fix myself and get through by sheer force of will alone. I am angry that, while a lot of this my fault, I'm constantly told that all of it is, as if I invited it, welcomed it and deliberately set myself up to fail and be a perpetual loser stuck on repeat and failing to break free. I am angry that nobody gives a shit. I am angry that I still expect them to. I am angry that I continually neglect the practices that will restore balance and peace, help me to let all this go. C’est la vie.
Post thumbnail image: Photo by Pixabay from/on Pexels
