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" Consider this while writing, who is your reader", said by Ms.Wade the English teacher at a middle school in a City in the current country of Canada. "Child" She says upfront the young class, She intentionally singled out the shy rude boy in the far back corner. " Boy you are afraid of success." the lesson for the period was The Cycle Of Hatred and the students shared their thoughts while teacher creates a Word Web up on the White board. That year chalkboards were phased out. Smart boards and White Boards replaced them in every classroom.
I shared the same Math class as the shy rude boy. I had never thought much of this boy. He seemed to be loud and unaware while speaking, mostly swearing or awkwardly repeating whatever the popular opinion of the time. Perhaps it is safe to say I didn't like Him. Not being friendly was more attention then the boy was used to not one classmate seemed to pay any mind to him. This seemed to make Him extremely uncomfortable, often he would be seen or heard crying. This didn't mean He gained any sympathy. In fact we ignored His gesture even further. There were entire days not a single person at school would acknowledge the behavior, which was acted out on the whole school day. How pathetic. As if we all understood at once we realized he won't change on his own. So at once we gave him attention just enough to acknowledge his existence. It didn't take much while our attention was on him he exaggerated his character. Suddenly a red faced angrily upset boy would return to the surface. Distraught fighting to control our perspective. Desperately pulling us away from our studies and personal thoughts; begging, swearing, crying were tactics consistently aimed at the entire class. Amazingly we could not get him out of our minds. Everyday at school he became a topic of conversation. No matter the group of people hewas eventuallythe issue on all our minds. We inevitably adopted him into our personal lives and we all would feel very bad if his feelings were not considered. His negative affects became like a social sickness. We would talk about him and it made him feel will, we would work on ourselves & school work and he would start verbally in the background. His words and gestures would become more erratic until the physical reactions would start around him. Being so deeply involved in the charades he was aware of the physical signals that his act broke another students concentration. Eventually leading to the eye contact made to identify the disturbance, instantly this ugly boy presents confidence and directly meeting their gaze. Success had been landed pouncing on the moment of forgotten thought. The evil boy had repeatedly replaced deeply personal thoughts with image of himself in confidence. This is the Cycle Of Hatred in effect. Warped perception strange behavior and delusional perception of acceptable communication. He was so paranoid of becoming insignificant or forgotten, and delusional about others. He had the belief he knew what other's had in mind. From time to time he was so sure he knew what other's must have been thinking. Not long after by the age of Sixteen he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.
After being prescribed medication his thought ran circles around him. He often described the mental frustration of feeling stupid and unable to focus. This with the decision he made to move across the country on his own made him feel isolated mentally and physically. If the young man wanted to communicate it would come across as jumbled words without coherent thought. This was so frustrating which he exclaimed as his main suicidal process of thought. He had heard a reflection that could relate to his own thoughts, it was like " my hair was on fire and I tried to put it out with a hammer". This was the extent of his experience for the following four years. Retaining no new information he remained virtually unaffected by incarceration, homelessness, or the experience of others whatsoever.
Inside is where he's been a lot has happened since last written. In his late 20' s he knows what he feels is definitely not what others have felt. With each episode leaving an impact on himself along with memory of personal history if delusions. Aware mentally (thinking) and personally (feelings) He experience these separately and at the same time. This was hard to begin to understand. His Schizophrenia is living with a split thought & emotion. This means they are coming from different experiences. For him Thoughts stay in side the mind and have no affect on his emotions. Emotions are developed by reactions to others and their action. See he matures by awareness of repetitive reactions (positive & negative) and thoughts that are communicated successfully to another person.
The feelings related to goal orientation and reward are particularly disfunctional.
So reader I don't know what you think, is this Fact or Fiction, you are the judge. Tell me if this is a fictional tale or a nonfiction account of experiences with Schizophrenia.
