From the Art of Living, page (6)
Desires are things we set out to achieve, while aversions are things we tend to avoid.
By denying the grief from the death of my Father, a domino effect of poor decision-making began for a seven. From one suppressed desire to bond came another undesirable situation. Some of us make mistakes that are hard to come back from; for others, the same mistakes are made over time which may seem as though there is no return.
The death of my Father begot a seven-year streak of grief denial & poor decision-making. Without grieving loss, I became an emotional time-bomb.
By suppressing one natural desire, I provoked deviantly intrusive thoughts that were well within my control if I had any care or concern for my own state of mind (which at the time, I did not).
Naturally difficult things are aversions. Deviantly intrusive thoughts are hard to acquire and maintain and are not healthy or natural; these thoughts take up alot of energy and leave a person depressed and exhausted.
Denying a psychological need without opening an avenue from which such energy can be relieved, creates leaks in an otherwise stable personality. Because I was living in denial of my own needs (to intimately bond with a woman), I created unnatural tendencies to distract myself from realizing this part of my humanity.
There are numerous instances I used to justify my choices. Consciously, I decided that I was not capable of loving another person and that I would not be a good father or husband. These are all manifestations of not believing in oneself and that of being afraid of things that haven't occured yet. These are lies of the devil.
As a human, we may feel things that may not be true - yet we give these things power over us to direct our lives. This is wrong. I will try to write about all the avenues which led me to the point from which I began to develop intrusively deviant thoughts, but that requires much more reflection.
