Years ago, when myself and father of my youngest were still together, I started thinking about the idea of polyamory; more specifically, our relationship was not going to plan – he seemed disengaged and uninterested in the reality of domestic life when you have a baby/toddler. I went to serious lengths to try and make things work between us; I loved him; but some people would rather give up than work at something (as a side note, much as it was painful when I did finally leave him, it was one of the best decisions of my life).
As a last ditched attempt to save our relationship, I decided to investigate the idea of open relationships. My thought being that perhaps he needed that freedom. Perhaps it was that I was just not particularly attractive or interesting to him, now as a mother and organiser of our lives. As a mother with 2 young children, a full-time job and doing my degree, it wasn’t really something I had any time or inclination towards, but at that point would have tried anything to keep him.
Rather than just jumping straight in and suggesting it, I engaged in some research first… No, not that kind of research ?? I decided to ask people their thoughts and ideas, so created a questionnaire, with maybe 25 questions, and interviewed about 20 people. Many of these interviews were conducted on video, some audio recorded, some just on paper. I was surprised at how many folks were up for being involved and how open they were, well, some of them. I couched it in terms of research for a potential book. I ended up starting a blog about it, entitled Monogamy and contemporary relationships, but became very bored with it and deleted it. I wish I hadn’t now as it would be interesting to read back on.
The questions ranged from simple ones like; have you ever been unfaithful to a partner, to not so simple ones like; if you have ever been on the receiving end of infidelity, in retrospect, do you feel in anyway culpable? Random questions such as, which would be more hurtful; your partner fucking someone else or knowing they wanted to fuck someone else? Or, is it worse for your boyfriend to receive a blowjob from another woman or for him to give her oral sex? Or, is honesty always the best policy in these scenarios?
There were more questions, and to be honest, as much of my writing is, it was largely about me trying to work through my own feelings on the subject. I spoke to people who had been married for years, those who had just gotten together with someone, couples in their first few years with young kids, people in their 20’s, 30’s 40’s 50’s and even 70’s! Single people, divorced people, polyamorous people. Extroverts and introverts.
Lots of different answers but one of the things I found was that more women than men were open about their answers. I am fairly good at telling when people are lying and the ‘have you ever been unfaithful’ question was a troublesome one for most of the men I interviewed. Perhaps they all were squeaky clean but my spidy senses were definitely correct when it came to at least one of them (2 if I count my ex). I interviewed one couple that I had known for a few years. They had been married for 15 years, been together for 20. She openly admitted that she had had an affair early on in their relationship and said she would put money on her partner denying that he ever had, the reality being that he had only a few years previously. I said I would not discuss with her what he told me, nor with him what she told me, but she was correct. He did tell me about her affair though and how much it broke his heart. Her summary was that it would be abnormal for people to never look at or lust after others and that the ideal is that you should never step over that line, but she believed more folk than would admit to it did.
Another woman I interviewed, who was in her 50’s and was recently divorced, said that she never had an affair but wished she had, especially when she found out her hubby had been doing that consistently throughout their relationship. She said, and I quote, that she was so sexually frustrated, she would lie there wanking over other men whilst lying next to him, or even worse pretending she was another woman that he found attractive and he, her husband was fucking her. How utterly depressing and what a waste of a life!
One woman, who was in her 20s, was a single mother but had a newish partner, admitted that she had been sleeping with other men and women behind her partners back. She said she felt bad about the guy she slept with, as that was unfair but not the women (plural) because, why should he be bothered by that, it wasn’t a threat to his manhood. I asked her if he could do the same, she said that she would leave him if he slept with another woman, because she had insecurity issues and he could sleep with another man if he wanted but she knew he wouldn’t… Cake and eating it I would say ??
There were many funny stories and anecdotes. A couple in their 50’s who had been together for 35 years, had children young and both at different points had affairs. When it all came out years later, they both concluded that this was what saved their marriage, like a pressure valve. One man, who I believed, in his 30’s, said that he never even looked at porn, let alone other women, as it would be disrespectful to his wife. One man who had been having polyamorous relationships for years and gave me a very frank breakdown of the pros and the cons as he saw it. I saved the best until last though…myself and my then partner.
He knew I was doing these interviews and research and seemed intrigued but had no idea I would ask him. I first suggested he ask me the questions and film me as he did it. I was brutally honest, as I generally am about most things. Yes, I had been unfaithful in the past, each time I blamed my partner but ultimately knew it was my shit. That was, thankfully something I grew out of in my early 20’s. Yes, I have had that happen to me. The most notable time being with the father of my eldest. Yes, in retrospect, I look back and see how and where I was to blame, because I did not, could not love him in the way he needed to be. No excuse for going off with a woman half your age when your partner is pregnant, but I knew the man had a fragile ego and needed to be idolised in a way I was not capable of. Perhaps I should have left him, set him free. Yes, I did watch porn sometimes. Yes, I sometimes fantasied about other men, and women. There were more questions than that but you gets the gist.
His turn…yes, he had been unfaithful, he knew I knew that; that was part of his legacy when we got together, but he always reframed it in terms that absolved him. She didn’t understand me, she was mental, I was drunk etc etc. No, that had never happened to him. He ABSOLUTELY did not watch porn, or fantasise about other women, didn’t really have fantasises in fact, was just interested in the intimacy of real sex in a loving relationship. I wasn’t buying it, so pushed further… eventually telling him what all of this had been about, my exploring my feelings and understanding of the idea of polyamory. I asked him out right if he wanted us to have that type of relationship…that I was willing to give that a shot if he needed that.
A slightly tangential side track;
I remember being pregnant and him going out for the night. He said he would be back early hours of the morning. I had suggested, knowing what he was like, that he should just come back the following evening if it was going to be a messy one, because you know, last New Years Eve before becoming a father n all. He said no, he wanted to spend New Years Day with me. He did not come back for over 2 days, his phone had run out of battery and he didn’t attempt to let me, his pregnant partner, know where he was. I was so upset and angry, because, he knew I would have been ok with him doing that. Why not just say, or agree when I suggested it?? Or just honour what he had said?? Talking to my sister about it, she just said “permission is the last thing some men want, it’s the opposite of freedom to them.”.
He, of course, said no when I asked about the open relationship schizzle. Was almost appalled that I had suggested it, tried to turn it around and insinuate that perhaps I was the one who wanted someone else. How many times did he have to tell me that he loved me? Yes, he realised he wasn’t great at showing it, but he wasn’t looking elsewhere, I’d gotten that wrong. Apparently.
Only about six months later, the porn I found on his laptop, including the links to live sex chat rooms suggested he was looking elsewhere. The porn wasn’t such an issue, it was more the fact that he lied, pretended he didn’t use it, was above that. I also found out from one of his friends, a few years ago, that he had had an affair whilst we were together too.
That was all a long time ago now and I am neither hurt nor angry about that. The point at which I found out about the affair, we had been over for some time anyway, and as for the rest of it, it makes no odds. I am glad I’m not with him and he gave me a beautiful daughter. End of. No, I do not see those infidelities that he had as my fault in anyway, because I tried so hard to make that relationship work, tried to give him what he wanted in more ways than one, but perhaps it was my responsibility to leave him sooner. I knew he was not being honest whilst we were together and would never be able to give me what I needed. Yes, I did love him deeply but really, if I had been stronger, I would have known that that was not love, just self-harm. Can I really blame him for my own lack of self-worth at that point? I wouldn’t fall for that shit now, that’s for sure.
My reasons for exploring those themes, at that time, were incorrect, misguided. I was doing it to try and keep someone, I shouldn’t have been trying to keep. But the idea of human relationships fascinates me, still. I am a single mother, in my 40’s now. By default, I am single, not with anyone, but there is someone in my life, or heart – possibly would be in my bed and messing with my head (again) if we weren’t in the midst of a pandemic but fortunately we are separated by too many miles and other measures of distance to go into. But that is another story ?? Question I pose to myself though is this… after all my experiences in life, including the wildly staccato nature of the last (still current I have to admit) man in my life…would I entertain the idea of polyamory now? Is that more realistic than the happy ever after fable I once held so close? What do I actually want, when it comes to love, sex and intimacy?
Right now, as I mentioned, we are in the midst of a pandemic. I did briefly date someone in the summer, when things, pandemic wise, seemed rosy, but the thought of dating someone now seems completely ridiculous and unfeasible. Not to mention my workload and how busy I am. But come the Spring, summer, when hormones start racing around, hopefully restrictions will be eased and I will undoubtedly be hornier than a very horny thing in rutting season, I would imagine that thoughts of frolicking may reappear. Maybe there will be reunion with myself and Mr Staccato…but if history has taught me anything, it is that neither him nor I are cut out for that sort of relationship, and definitely not with each other. For me, I do not want to ‘share my life’ with anyone, selfish as that may sound. My life is hard, but it is my life. I’m not looking for someone to save me. Apart from the reality that those kinds of saviours often want something in return for saving you, which is why they do it – there is that saying that you should beware of looking for a Knight in shining armour, lest you end up with a cunt in tin foil ??
No, I want, what Anais Nin described as a man who compels my strength, who does not doubt my courage or toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who is not afraid to treat me like a woman … and within that is secure enough within their own masculinity to facilitate that. Not many of them to the pound in my experience and to be honest I have given up looking. Because perhaps the fantasy we each have in our heads of perfection never does exist. The truth is really,, that I am hardly catch of the century myself. I am kind of hot I suppose have a good, if not slightly wrong sense of humour, fairly intelligent, creative and I love sex. Actually, I think I am pretty good at sex, in that I don’t play games (well, only the fun ones) or coy and have a very open mind. But… I am too honest and direct for most men’s liking. Too independent (bolshy some might say) and do not like or take kindly to being told what to do. Am fiercely political and probably opinionated to the point of being seen as aggressive by men not as able to articulate their thoughts and feelings as well as me. I have also been round the block enough times not to fall for cheap, shitty lines or feel compelled to laugh at men’s jokes when they are not funny. Ha ha, there, I should copy and paste that for my next dating profile bio ??
Basically, I am every bit as much of a nightmare as most of the men I am attracted to, so…I think happy ever after is possibly not on the cards for me. I’ve missed that boat; I became feral too long ago and quite like it. So… do I have a series of lovers for the rest of my life? Play hide the illusive sausage with Mr Staccato for a few decades until we are both too bored (and old) to play cat and mouse anymore and give in? Both…? Neither…? If I have no intention of settling down, which I don’t think I do really, does that mean I am polyamorous?
