Next Wednesday I will be undergoing some minor surgery; various knee problems over the last 2 years, including multiple knee dislocations, tearing of my meniscus pads and finally totally severing my ACL back in July. I was a professional dancer until 2 years ago and knees with dancing is a standard weak spot.
Here is an example of some of the sort of stuff I used to do, little pop up performance in parks, generally with a very elaborate and intimate to me theme (this one was me being obsessed with a fictional character I had created, Nostalgia, and wanted to act her out)
There will be no more dancing for me for quite some time after my operation, walking is going to be first rung on the ladder, but by the summer, hopefully I will be back up to where I was before.
They will be removing some of the hamstrings from the back of my left thigh and using them to knit me a new ACL ligament, as well as sewing up my torn and frayed meniscus pads. Basically I've not been able to bend my knee, pretty much at all for over 6 months, initially, when my ACL snapped, I couldn't walk, it was excruciating. Although I can walk now, without crutches and am able to do some level of basic dance, I want and need full movement back in my knee. So surgery here I come.
It will be the second time in my life I have had a general anaesthetic and I have to admit, I am slightly nervous. The first time round was over 25 years ago having a termination. At the time I didn't really understand what was involved with a general anaesthetic, and was more concerned with the emotional element of the operation I was having; I was young, too young to be pregnant perhaps, but felt pushed towards having that abortion. By my mother and my partner. With good intentions but it was a very upsetting time. But no, I didn't even think about the mechanics of what was involved in anaesthesia.
The phrase 'putting under', which is often used when talking about a GA, because it kind of does put you under the cover of not only consciousness, but life. You are technically not alive at this point; your whole body paralysed, you are not even able to breath alone. The danger of having this level of artificially induced coma is the bringing you back. And knowing me, these will be thoughts in my head as they ask me to count down from 10 backwards and I slip into inertia; what if this is it, what if i don't come back?
I posted a lot yesterday, because, I'm currently isolating before I go into hospital and my normally unfeasibly busy schedule has been forced to halt. I'm not used to having so much time on my hands. I am a trainee teacher, which for anyone unaware is a helluva lot of work. I work 4 days a week, training on the job and then 1 day a week allotted to the academic study side (PGCE) and the self reflective side (which is almost as time heavy as the academic side, they make you jump through hoops to prove you are being a reflective practitioner). I am also a single parent. So yea, I feel like I've gone from 60 hour weeks to zero in the space of a few days. I have my assignment to finish (Critical Evaluation of teaching and learning practices in Education), but all I have left to do now is the referencing, so am back to social media and pondering on where my mind will go when I am put under...
Perhaps I should be more concerned with catching Covid but for some reason that is not top of my list. I am going to be bought ad close to the brink of life and death one can get, and it frightens me a bit. I know that there will be a small part of me, when talking to those closest to me, for the last time before my op (due to chat on the phone to my Mr Staccato from my post the other day, this evening) that I will be thinking, do I need to say something profound? What if this is the last time we speak? Should I say, I love you and tell them why. Should I just endeavour to make them feel super good about themselves? Should I make them laugh? Perhaps this is what we should do with each conversation we have with loved ones, perhaps I missed a trick there...
I will not be able to hug my kids before I go either. They are currently with their fathers, back tomorrow. But I am isolating so for the few days before my op, we will have to be in separate rooms, which will be tough. Maybe I will hug them through a sheet... I can't not.
Gah, I am over thinking this I'm sure but that underpins my whole goddam life; over thinking. Unpicking, unpacking, evaluating and critiquing. It is stressful sometimes living in my head but, I'd rather do that than not think at all... They say ignorance is bliss and I fully agree, it probably is, if bliss to you is the eternal sunshine and unbearable lightness of being of a spotless mind. Bliss to me is, and has always been so much more...
