Hello, am back from, not quite the dead but this last week or so has been painful, arduous and I've just been slightly out of it on morphine. I am now on day 8 of healing after my knee surgery and feel like I'm turning a corner, just in time, it being 1 day before Christmas and all. I've got a few hours before my kids return from their daddies, so I'm gonna reflect a bit....
My knee (as per my last post) is moving in the right direction (I think) but not very fast. This was it the day after surgery... Looking like Frankenstein's monster:
And this is it today, when I took the waterproof dressings off to check there is no infection:
No infection but still looking like Frankenstein's monster, in fact more swollen than last week really , but that is normal apparently and just due to my physio and starting to try and put weight through it. Basically I can now elevate my leg on its own.
It took 5 days to be able to move that leg at all and even yesterday morning I could just raise it about 2 inches for about 10 seconds. Now i can raise it about a foot for about 30 seconds. I will need crutches for probably the next 3-5 weeks but am feeling positive. Up until a few days ago, when it felt like that leg was almost paralysed, I was pretty down on myself. It doesn't help being on such high dosage pain relief (not great for mental state).
I have had a team of 3 friends looking after me, which has made me feel truly grateful. I literally could not have done it without them and now I sit here and await the return of my children (it is my year to have them for Christmas this year - shared due to co parenting). We don't celebrate the birth of Jesus at Christmas, we celebrate love, family and coming of brighter days after the Winter solstice. Unfortunately this year, we (me and my children) will not be seeing any family for Christmas, due to the pandemic lockdown measures and rules. Even before the British government bought in the new tier system, putting most of my family in (the highest) tier 4 (we live in different areas of the UK), I had decided it would not be a great idea for us to meet up and that with a vaccine round the corner, what was the point of risking it. But now that's been enforced. It is what it is. It's going to be a very different celebration this year, with me and my family, all 5 households, hooking up via Zoom, but it will still be a good one. I am very much looking forward to it though.
It has been a truly shit year in so many ways. Not simply just with the pandemic. So many other issues globally, in individual countries and territories, here in the UK, not to mention in my life personally, and I know many folk are saying, 2021 is going to be a great year, gotta be better than the shit storm 2020 has been, but I fear it is going to be an equally difficult year in just so many ways.
Economically; most countries and states are going to be plunged into a recession of sorts, not just to do with pandemic measures to keep us afloat but also here in the UK because of Brexit; the arrogance of the British government (and gullibility of many British voters) believing that we are so special, we need all our own rules and laws at any expense and cost. The timing couldn't be worse. Not being in the European Union will prove disastrous in the next few years post the pandemic, it would have done anyway but we are going to need the support of our European brothers and sisters to get over this and Boris Johnson et al seem to be dead set on making a bad situation even worse. So many people are going to be jobless, plunged deeper into poverty. I'm glad I decided to retrain as a teacher now but for many people, this will be a deeply troublesome time. It will doubtless not be easy for me either but I will have a lifeline.
Socially. Yes, the T-Rex that was Donald Trump is going to disappear. Hurrah for that at least. But what he represented; the dangers of having an uneducated and easily manipulated electorate. The rise is populism. The rise of far right, racist, misogynistic, "I'm alright Jack" rhetoric. The reality that there are many socially unconscious people out there, more than perhaps we thought. These are things that have not been resolved by simply dethroning him. And that isn't just a Stateside issue. Here in the UK. It's not simply that we need to get rid of our idiot at the helm. It's not simply that we need to get rid of our Conservative government. We need the British people to really push for change. The Left in this country have become so fragmented, our only hope currently is to push for change with a leader who very closely resembles the establishment we are pushing against. I.E. Sir Keir Starmer, leader of the opposition, of the Left. He is a public school boy and seemingly has some dodgy, just to the right of centre ideals but like with Biden in America, he is what we need to attempt to get the Tory party out. We will deal with him once he has done that. Politics is like a game of chess after all. It is rare to win the battle and war in one move.
All across the world, socialism is attempting to fight back and make the world a fairer place but economic struggles always give rise to far right propaganda and thwart left, liberal ideals. All is to play for but it is going to be a tough few years.
Environmentally. I think in the micro and the macro, mother nature is sending us a clear message; stop fucking with my shit or I will destroy you. I think that the dangerous shift in climate we see in the world around us is just the environmental version of what is going on with Covid 19 and all the other new diseases and viruses we see springing up left right and centre. We have been destroying the planet. And yes, the over consumption and industrial farming of animals to eat is partly to blame for this. Basically there are too many of us on this planet and we consume at a rate that is not in line with the natural resources we have. Our obsession with meat and inability to care where that meat has come from, if it is safe, if it is sustainable etc, means that to varying degrees, we are all to blame. I eat meat but pretty minimally. My eldest is vegetarian, I don't have dairy, so we do our bit, because often our meals are entirely plant based. This Christmas, I will be cooking a chicken for me and my youngest - first time done something like that for months. And my eldest will be having prepackaged vegetarian food with dairy in. Perhaps in the grand scheme of things, no, we don't deserve those treats but I feel like we need a nice treat right now. But it doesn't erase the fact that as a race, what we consider necessities often should be seen as luxuries and we give ourselves treats too often.
Will climate change be the thing to wipe us out or some crazy mutated super bug? Who knows but either way, I think it can be traced back neatly to human greed and laziness. We all need to try harder.
Here is a poem I did in April this year on this subject...
In this coming year, I hope that my knee heals well and by summer I am able to start dancing again a bit, for the sake of my mental and physical health. That I pass my teacher training and get myself a good, solid, entry level job. From that platform I can provide, financially for me and my kids and eventually effect change in the world; teaching the next generation is a really important and a crucial role is revolution.
I hope that my kids come through all the stresses and trials of this last year and not only rise to the challenge but are able to use what they have learnt from all this. Make the most out of available sources. My eldest who is going through puberty and struggling with his mental health, I hope he finds his way and grows true and strong in the cocoon of adolescence. He is also transgender, so that butterfly, awaiting emergence, is slightly more complex than it is for cis gendered kids. I hope my youngest manages to maintain the beauty of her wisdom and intuition and manages to not allow life to knock that out of her. They are both powerful in different ways and I have high hopes for them but this last year has been really tough on them, as it has for so many kids.
I hope all my family and friends are able to continue moving in the right direction for them, at whatever pace works for them and stay safe and well. I am surrounded by some beautiful, strong, compassionate, empathetic and intelligent folk. I feel pretty humbled when I think about that. It makes me feel that there have got to be brighter days ahead, because despite there being some awful things and people in this world, I am reminded everyday that there is much to fight for.
I hope that the world. Humanity, manages to heal and move forward gracefully. We are in the 21st century now and currently look set to wipe ourselves out by the 22nd if we don't learn from our mistakes. Come on folks, take some deep breaths and think deep... Love, for ourselves, each other and the world around us is all we need to get through this. If we can't do that, then perhaps we don't deserve this world.
Peace, love and happiness to all.
