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Not that I want to be that arsehole son who's thirty-five and still lives with his parents in a house that's not his home (a fact from which they take joy in reminding me), but unfortunate circumstances have made me That Guy. Consequently, my parents have been doing their level best to not help me launch and leave the nest (because they get some sick thrill out of my anxiety, insanity and unhappiness, and inducing such in me through manipulating, undermining, hindering, threatening and torturing me psychologically and emotionally, which they've done since at least when I lost my job in October last year, if not earlier). That's nearly three quarters of a year, give or take a month or two. There is nothing I can do about it, because I'm trapped. Every time an opportunity for escape arises, I make the mistake of telling them and they outmaneuver me somehow. I always end up on the back foot. You think I'd learn my lesson, but somehow I haven't and it has cost me dearly, both psychologically and financially. Otherwise, I'd have invested enough in cryptocurrency and got out sooner.
Their latest exploit has been to offer me the old servants' quarters on the property for me to rent and renovate. I think they were expecting me to see it as beneath me or inadequate and refuse, given that it's smaller than my current bedroom (which means I'd be cramped and confined therein) and needs quite a bit of work done to make it livable. However, they must have forgot that I proposed that very idea to them at least three to six months ago, when I was barely coping with their bullshit and it was literally driving me insane to be in the same house/space with them.
I'd gladly be bounded in a nutshell if it weren't that I have bad dreams. — William Shakespeare
Once they got over their surprise at my acceptance of the offer and regrouped, they remembered their initial objections and rapidly rescinded the offer (which I should have known they would, silly me). Now that I have the means (in addition to the motivation) to renovate the place: repair or replace the geyser, rehang the bathroom door, plaster (and possibly paint) the walls where the brickwork shows through, resurface the floor, install a security GATE and keep them out of my space, they realised that they'd no longer be able to toy with me and interfere with my state of mind nor treat me like a child and their personal workhorse if they let that happen. On realising that they'd actually be helping me to achieve some level of comfort, that they'd be doing me a favour (the opposite of what they're currently doing for the reason given above), they very soon after changed their minds (and said as much, if not in those exact words). Instead of following through, they told me that, within the next two weeks, I need to find a place of my own and start moving my stuff there. Now, make no mistake; while I have enough to start on the most important renovations to an existing shoebox/walk-in cupboard, and I'd absolutely *love* to do that, would have been gone months ago if I could, I just don't yet have *quite* enough capital/money to invest in crypto so that I can live off it and pay my expenses. (Even if I buy a bicycle, sell my car and pump the money into an investment, which I'm going to have to do, sadly, because I can't justify keeping such a liability, it won't be enough. I'll need another ~$3 500 USD ($94.60 USD each if every one of my followers contributes) if I hope to survive. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to make that, because my writing activities and other work aren't sufficient to net me that any time soon, never mind in the next two to three months, by which stage my money will have run out, even once I've sold my car and staked what cryptocurrency I do have.)
It looks like I'm once again going to have to find a job and subjugate myself to being a named, numbered and abused human fuel cell — threatened with violence if I don't bang my head against the wall and subscribe to and espouse corporate capitalist bullshit — in the corporate machine for the next year or two, after all (assuming that's still possible at this stage, that I'm still employable and my skills are in demand, because I have my doubts). That or do what I originally attempted to do (and had every intention to do), but failed (after five years of such broke me down and burned me out): Revise and improve the plan to push myself off my mortal coil, to literally drop out of life by physical means. I really don't want to do that, seeing as I am so close to (but yet still so far from) getting out. Fuck; I am so very screwed! This is so not right, but I have no options because (once again) I have been outmaneuvered from a place of strength to a place of weakness and confinement! I am so tired of this, of fighting to not only keep my head above water but find solid ground and gain some purchase long enough to dry off and run. I really can't do it all on my own, but I'm going to have to because nobody else wants to nor is able to; I'm just not that important nor valuable to them. Nobody gives enough of a shit to offer a hand up to some formerly middle-income white dude who had a few wobbles and fell down. There are no charities, halfway-houses nor organisations to which I can turn. SSI benefits are not a thing where I live, as far as I know. There's got to be more to life than this (and there is, but I just can't seem to get all the way there by myself).
So it's summer. So it's suicide. So we're helpless in sleep and struggling at the bottom of the pool. — Richard Siken; "Little Beast"; Crush (2005)
The pain of losing teeth is better than defeat.
I've got the feeling I can let go,
Because it means that much to me to show you so.
You're the reason I can stay and fight until the death,
'Cause what I stand for, I will not give up.
— Brody Dalle; "Don't Mess with Me"; Diploid Love (2014)
I'm sick and tired of struggling to make progress, to get a hand on the ladder and start hauling myself out of the deep water I've been treading for so long, only to be beaten back again. One day, the rock is going to roll on top of Sisyphus and kill him (which it almost did, on three occasions) if nobody intervenes. It may be sooner than I thought, by several weeks. I want out before then, but I'm trapped in this nightmare situation, unable to escape! Please send help or crypto!
I really, really hate having to beg for money and tug at people's heart/purse strings, find it morally repugnant and demeaning (to both myself and them) to do so, but it is the only way I've been able to keep myself afloat these past several months. Working for money isn't enough by itself (and believe me, I've tried that), because such work as I've managed to get is few and far between. Having just recently paid off my car (at the start of this month), I don't want to sell it as it's a potential place to sleep and get me away from where I am if the situation gets really dire. However, to cover some of the money I need (although I'll still be short about $3 500), I'm going to have to do that, sadly. It's a liability I hardly use (once a week) and I simply can't justify keeping it if I can get by with a bicycle and a tent. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.
While I'd prefer to receive BTC or ETH, I can well appreciate that not everybody wants to give up/out their main assets. Consequently, if you're kind enough to donate, please choose whatever is most convenient for you, from the below.
- ATOM: cosmos1vha05tt2w3w7zr8d26z5x72jsu6zrl5ldw8f4w
- ADA: addr1q9q9l7qu99q74wkctk5xa5gjr733gc959yz98s4fuxt0jd6qtlupc22pa2adshdgdmg3y8arz3stg2gy20p2ncvklymsdwpfgp
- AMPL/BAT/COMP/ETH/FARM/LINK/PAY/PRE/USDT: 0x72Fd90b1F30C97Dc4615Af268A0ff67C659a715d
- BCH: qrdt46w8j9jytym0y0dda2ln5xp7k4z7fqhrwwfvm8
- BTC: bc1q7wyu9gzfm3aw3pkwjzz7kej2sc6z3tjcmmdkuk
- DASH: Xs8KPKugsFkcLicYUGxMtRNW5FE7tevfee
- DCR: DsbmDNKTvwfCgYjE8TqrvfofFFCy6JMoRPM
- LTC: LZXS7p29fG3MvZUpJXqMDhKzD8ssMRQhqc
- RVN: RGyf5rbW3MVXV2bps9x8Wy3BCjqyXiwSgZ
- SOL: EziKpSuw15jDeip8o7H1uYD7vREiyTHs7tXWEX3PwTHM
- TRON/USDT: TST6qL21eDpJZD953CSatVP5pJwdfGigjm
- XMR: 4818NPWXSeTgQT1aroqjMW6w97z8Nc7aK76fZnR627J9A5wEg4hweK6MTmeWscV4fmgRe3DpphvdaAbRxScHQhyoCKzb3io
- XRP: rsoVzppnyjqPiXEEwUjnn9bBHcko8ej5sy
- XTZ: tz1aXasADoVZrCVMbhMewja9gPJS9jnFUbF1
- ZEC: t1KrVhhywTpmVav76sKMRn9bQPAZzfJntCs
